In Between VII: Safety off
by Eloise05
Summary: HUMANIZED. Everybody is invited to one of their oldest friend's wedding and the topic raises questions about life, the Universe and everything. Well, maybe not on that scale. Heavily implied SkipperxPrivate
1. Chapter 1

**A.N.: I opened my e-mail today and there was this abundance of reviews from one great person. And it frustrates me greatly that I can't answer you directly so I'm putting my thanks here in this Author's Note. Thanks for all the great reviews OnTheJazz. This one is for you and all the other great people that take the time to read these. Thank you! **

_**Ricardo "Rico" Fernandez**__: he is the only one still leaving in the HQ (a big, one room apartment with no wall divisions, grey , brick walls and grey floors). He's tall with dark hair and topaz eyes and the usual scar on the left part of his mouth._

_**Steven Davidson a.k.a. Skipper**__: in the beginning he is sharing an apartment with Private. He has brown hair and piercing blue eyes. _

_**Percival "Percy" Smith a.k.a. Private**__: He's the youngest and smallest in the group. Private's love of sewing and making doll's dresses turned into a business and now he owns a clothing store which he manages when he's not with the team. Of British origin, he has light blonde hair, baby blue eyes and freckles. _

_**Jan Kowalski**__: He is gay-married according to NY state law to Francis Blowhole, whit whom he is living. He is of Polish descent, the tallest of the group, blonde and blue eyed. _

_**Marlene Potter**__: She is a very cute, flirty, but zany girl. She has dark brown hair and brown eyes. _

_**Francis Blowhole**__: is Kowalski's life partner (because mad scientist's have to keep together). He has light brown hair, green eyes____and wears an electronic eye patch over his right eye____(which he devised) designed after the shape of his eye and bone structure. (In case you were wondering, no he didn't gave up the Evil business all together)_

_**Julian King**__: He is the owner of the club The Kingdom. He is very tall, thin and likes to wear leather (neah, just joking (or am I?)). He is dark skinned and has amber eyes. _

_At Darla's, Skipper, Private, Rico and Blowhole are sitting in a booth having a couple of drinks. _

**Rico: **Hey, how hard do you guys think it would be to throw a press conference?

**Blowhole: **About what?

**Rico: **Yeah, you're right.

_Skipper, Rico and Private's phones buzz._  
**Private**: I just got an e-mail from Fred. He's getting married.  
**Rico: **Who would marry Fred? This is crazy.  
**Skipper: **''Though Melinda and I met but two short months ago, our bond is as inseparable as the… Na'vi people's hair penetration?''. (_he and Rico laugh_) That guy's such an idiot.  
_Marlene and Kowalski come storming to their table. _

**Marlene: **Fred's getting married.  
**Kowalski: **This Saturday. (_to Blowhole_) On our anniversary.  
**Blowhole: **No, our anniversary is… this Saturday. (_Rico gives him big, "I can't believe you forgot I don't wanna think what gruesome experiments your squishy bits'll endure" eyes_)  
**Kowalski: **This is classic Fred to get married on our day. You're gonna have to change all the plans you made.  
**Blowhole: **Damn it! They were such good plans too. lt's… All the… The chocolate and… Trips and…

**Kowalski: **Chocolate trips?

**Blowhole **(_with half a voice now_): Candles, silk sheets, and oil.  
**Skipper: **Hmm?

**Blowhole: **Gotta have oil.  
**Kowalski: **Okay. (_sits down next to him and Marlene joins them_)  
**Marlene: **Seriously guys. I can't believe Fred is getting married before me. He was my safety. I mean, we made a pact. If we didn't marry anyone by 40, then we'd marry each other.  
**Private: **You'd actually marry Fred?

**Marlene: **It's like the gun in my grandma's purse. She hopes she doesn't have to use it, but likes knowing it's there. I mean, I thought Fred was the safest safety possible.

**Skipper: **The guy's a maniac. How many times have we bailed him out?

**Private: **Once out of jail and once out of an actual boat.  
**Kowalski: **Remember that summer he stayed with us?

**-FLASHBACK-**

_Kowalski and Blowhole are sitting on the couch in their own apartment going through the TiVoed stuff on the TV. _

**Kowalski: **Whoa! Where's my Nat Geo documentary series? And why do we have 15 hours of Maury Povich?

_Fred appears out of nowhere with a bowl of fried and salted nuts. _

**Fred: **Because I'm in a fantasy Povich league. (_tries to scooch right between them_) Excuse me. Let me just nestle through here.  
**-FLASHBACK-**

**Blowhole: **Ugh, such a deep belly button.  
**Marlene: **lt wasn't as bad as the time he made smoothies at my apartment. The whole building went up in flames.  
**Rico: **Fred has issues.  
**Skipper: **Says the guy who wears the pajama top to the bar. (_everybody laughs_)  
**Rico: **Ha-ha.  
**Skipper: **You know what? Actually, now that Fred's getting his life together, that kind of makes you the new Fred, man.  
**Marlene: **Yes! Yes, you are.  
**Kowalski: **Your life is in shambles.  
**Rico: **Well, the joke is on all of you, because I'm wearing my bathing suit bottoms. Skipper, pay for my beer. (_gets up and leaves_)  
**Blowhole: **Oh, he has his bathing suit on! I can't. I can't.  
**All **(_yell after him_): Fred! Hey, Fred!

_At Private's apartment, Kowalski, Marlene and Private are hanging out, talking. _

**Kowalski: **So, Private, did you have fun on your date last night?

**Private: **Uh, I wouldn't go that far. 

**-FLASHBACK-**

_Private is just finishing his date with, let's face it, a dubious guy. They're in the doorway to his apartment. _

**Guy: **I had a great time.  
**Private: **Me, too.  
**Guy: **So should I get a condom?

**Private: **What? No.  
**Guy: **Sweet! I hate condoms, too.

**-FLASHBACK-**

**Kowalski/Marlene **(_at the same time_)**: **Who does that?/ They all do that.  
**Private: **I forgot how much dating sucks, and I just wish I could find a normal bloke. Because to be honest, it's been a while since I did the old lay down, move around.  
**Marlene: **I'm sorry. What was that?

**Private: **Oh, the old downtown parade.  
**Marlene: **I don't follow.  
**Kowalski: **Mm. Still not getting it.  
**Private: **Sex! I'm talking about sex!

**Marlene: **Oh! The lay down.  
**Kowalski: **Okay, and then you… Yeah, yeah, yeah.  
_Skipper comes in. _

**Skipper: **Hi, guys.  
**Marlene: **Oh, hi.  
**Private & Kowalski: **Hi.  
**Skipper: **Thought I'd bring you some… lunch. What is going on here?

**Marlene: **Just some "girl talk".  
**Skipper: **Wait. You guys are talking about Private and a dude, right?

**Kowalski & Marlene: **No.  
**Skipper: **Guys, I'm cool. I mean, we are friends. We gotta be open about this kind of stuff.  
**Private: **You're right. All right, so basically I go out on a date with this guy. One kiss and he's pulling out…

**Skipper**(_considering that he's had about enough_)**: **Okay, that's a good start. 

_At their apartment, Kowalski and Blowhole are making their way down to their living room. _

**Kowalski: **Should we exchange anniversary gifts today since we won't be here on Saturday?

**Blowhole: **No, let's wait… five to eight more business days.  
**Kowalski: **Couldn't have overnighted it? (_sees Skipper and Rico on their couch. Rico is on Kowalski's laptop_) Hey, guys. What are you guys doing here?

**Skipper: **Fred over here got in a fight with our cable guy. It was raining shin kicks. Needless to say, no mas ESPN deportes.  
**Rico: **Well, riddle me this. If I'm so Fred, how come the real Fred just asked me to officiate his wedding? Boom. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to apply for my minister's license.  
**Kowalski: **You mean renew your license, because you officiated our wedding. You did have your license when you married us, right?

**Rico: **Funny story. No? (_Kowalski gives a startling gasp, then his face scrunches up in concentration and his eyes are moving like he's following all the calculations in the Universe at once or the Matrix scrolling before him_)

**Skipper: **What's happening with his face?

**Blowhole **(_leans in to take a look_): Ah, he's ''Beautiful Minding'' it. Just gotta let it play itself out.  
**Kowalski **(_snaps out of_ _it_): Francis! You know what this means, right?

**Blowhole: **We get to have honeymoon sex again, and I get to put my c-aaar keys in your a-ttic?

**Kowalski: **We get to get married again.  
**Skipper: **No, no. Technically, you guys are still married.  
**Kowalski: **Yeah, but now we get to have the perfect wedding that I wanted.  
**Blowhole: **Jan, our wedding was perfect.  
**Kowalski: **To everyone but us. We didn't get the prime rib we wanted because your lesbian vegan aunt adopts cows. And what about your two-year-old niece that your sister (A.N.: yeah that sister) begged to be our flower girl and swore was potty-trained? Rose petals were not the only thing she dropped in that aisle.  
**Blowhole: **lt wasn't that bad.  
**Kowalski: **Poops, Francis. Iris pooped on our wedding. But now we get to do it right. This is gonna be so great! (_runs upstairs and on the way kicks Rico's leg even though his blunder gave him the chance to have the perfect wedding_)

**Rico: **Ow!

**Blowhole: **Thanks a lot, Rico.  
**Skipper: **Classic Fred. 

_Everybody arrives at the hotel where Fred's wedding is taking place. It is a nice, four star hotel in a retreat near New York _(A.N.: don't mind me, I'm just talking out of my a**, since I have never set foot on American soil). _ They are coming through the front doors with their luggage. _

**Private: **Hello, Wisconsin. (A.N: That 70's Show, check it!)  
**Skipper; **Oh, my God. Would you stop saying that?

**Marlene: **Wow. This is so nice. I always thought if Fred ever got married it'd be in a women's prison.  
**Blowhole **(_hanging up his phone_)**: **Jan, that was the lawyer. All we gotta do is sign some papers and we're 100% married. No re-wedding necessary.  
**Kowalski: **Too late. Brain wheels are already turning.  
**Rico **(_he has all his things stuffed into a plastic bag_)_: _What's up, nerds?

**Skipper: **Going with the grocery bag luggage thing now, Fred?

**Rico: **Uh, it's called living a green lifestyle. You might wanna look into it, big oil. And I'll show you how un-Fred I am when I officiate the crap out of his wedding ceremony tomorrow. I bet you all 20 bucks I make you cry.  
**Private: **You don't have 20 bucks.  
**Rico: **I will find 20 bucks and use it as dental floss, because I won't need it so bad. And besides, Marlene is the one that is Fred. (_Marlene looks very offended_) I mean, her safety's getting married. How depressing is that? (_chuckles_)  
**Marlene: **Okay, come on, Rico. I was never gonna marry that guy. And anybody who would must be busted in the face.  
**Skipper: **Yeah. (_they all laugh_)  
**Fred: **Hey, guys.  
_They all turn around and see Fred with his fiancé coming towards them. To say that Fred is changed is an understatement. He is neat, all done up in an expensive suit, not slouching or looking like a complete clutz with a vacant look on his face. And contrary to Marlene's statement, Melinda is drop-dead gorgeous. _  
**Skipper: **More like awesome in the face.  
**Fred: **I'm so glad you guys made it. Hi. (_he goes and hugs the closest one, who is Kowalski_)  
**Kowalski: **Hi. You look great. And you… My God, you smell good.  
**Fred: **Yeah, I realized that aluminum is a really important component of deodorant. Everybody, how are you? (_he hugs the others_) Let me introduce you to my love. This is Melinda.  
**Melinda: **I am so happy that you guys were all able to make it on such short notice. I'm leaving next week to deliver solar ovens to Honduras.  
**Rico: **Wow. Fred, you hit it out of the park. She's both beautiful and says ''Honduras'' the fancy way.  
**Marlene: **She's really pretty.  
**Rico: **Pretty? I mean, she's a living doll. (A.N.: I mean, and he would know right?) I'm attracted to you.  
**Marlene: **Calm down.  
**Rico: **Very much so and I am a gay man.  
**Marlene: **Okay.  
**Fred: **Yeah. Can you believe I got a girl like this? Marlene, I was kinda counting on our safety pact. I was afraid I was gonna end up like one of those sad lonelies, you know? The kind that cry at intersections. Good thing I dodged that bullet. So what's been going on with you? How are you?

**Marlene: **I'm engaged! Yeah.  
**Fred: **Marlene, that's great. You got engaged. To who? (_everyone wants to hear the answer to that_)

**Marlene: **Uh, my fiance. (_Fred and Melinda laugh_)  
**Fred: **So where's your fiance? Why isn't he here with you now?

**Marlene: **There is a storm. Storm's a-coming. (_Rico nods knowingly_) Up the coast and the channel.  
**Private: **Big storm.  
**Marlene: **So, he really couldn't make it, but you know what? (_pulls her phone out of her purse_) Uh, why are you calling me? He's obsessed with me. He calls me constantly. Excuse me. (_makes a hasty retreat_)  
**Melinda: **Anyways, you guys, Fredrick told me so much about you.  
**Rico: **Who's Fredrick?

**Skipper: **That's Fred's whole name. It's so Fred that you don't know that.  
**Melinda: **Rico, Kowalski, Skipper, Private (_says his name as if it leaves a bad taste in her mouth)_ .  
**Private **(_a bit confounded_): Hi.  
**Melinda: **I'm sorry, you guys. I actually have to get going. I have to tell my Aunt Cathy that this isn't her wedding.  
**Private: **Yeah. I hate pushy relatives. It's like, ''This is my day!'' Right?

**Melinda: **No, not right. She has advanced Alzheimer's. And it's been a really trying time for my family. She thinks it's 1952.  
**Private: **Sorry.  
**Melinda: **lt's okay. (_she leaves_)  
**Private: **Wow. Did it seem like she was cold to me, or…

**Fred: **Yeah, she thinks that you're a wedding jinx, so she's really worried that you're gonna ruin the weekend.  
**Private: **What? A wedding jinx? I've only ruined one wedding.  
**Rico: **Yeah, and Yoko only ruined one Beatles. (_goes for a high-five; no one high-fives him_)  
**Skipper: **I'm gonna check in. 

_Kowalski and Blowhole enter their hotel room._

**Blowhole: **Hello, room. Hope you're ready for some sex to be had in you.  
**Kowalski: **Okay. You don't have to say that to every hotel room we stay in.  
**Blowhole: **lt's just a courtesy.  
**Kowalski **(_sees the gift bag left for them. Reads from the card_): ''Fred Woodchuck's wedding, October 19th''. Aww! I love our anniversary date. Eghad! lf we got married tomorrow, we could still have the same anniversary.  
**Blowhole: **But tomorrow's Fred's wedding.  
**Kowalski: **So we'll just do it right after, up here with all our friends. Great. Perfect, perfect. I am gonna order the cake and the…

**Blowhole: **Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can you please not get too crazy with this whole fake wedding thing?

_Marlene comes in in a rush. _

**Marlene: **I made a big mistake.  
**Kowalski: **Ooh. You think?

**Marlene: **I panicked. I'm an independent woman and everything, but no matter how hard you sing along to Liz Phair or how many women's surf camps you go to, when the chips are down, you're going fake fiance.  
**Kowalski: **No big deal. Just tell Fred that your fiance couldn't make it.  
**Marlene: **Might be too late for that. 

_In the lobby, Roger makes his glorious apparition. _

**Roger: **What's up, tramps? (_tries to slide down the banister but fails_) Whee! Ugh. I'm fat.

**Marlene: **Hi! Hey, you guys remember Roger.  
**Roger: **You guys so remember me, and I don't remember you. Just kidding. (_pointing to Rico, Blowhole and Kowalski_) It's Rico, Blowhole (_snorts_) and some blonde lady. Marly Mar, seriously, I need to go to the little girl's room. I've had so many half-caf skim lattes on the drive up, okay? This right here, it's happening, okay? Get into it. Drama. (_leaves with a flourish_)  
**Marlene: **He's all I could get last minute. Guys, he can totally pull off straight. In college, he minored in theater.  
**Rico: **Yeah, but he majored in dudes. 


	2. Chapter 2

_It's the rehearsal dinner evening. Skipper and Private come out of their respective rooms at the same time, both dressed to impress. _

**Skipper: **Whoa, boy. Damn. (_Private giggles_)  
**Private: **Hey, so you agree. Melinda's being crazy. There's no such thing as a wedding jinx, right?

**Skipper: **No, no, my wedding went off without a hitch. Literally nobody got hitched. Kidding! We are here, we're friends, and we are gonna do it up at this rehearsal dinner.  
Hey, maybe you'll meet a guy. Maybe I'll meet someone too.  
**Private: **Yeah, well, I haven't had much luck in the guy department lately.  
**Skipper: **Hey. You know, um, maybe we could be each other's wingmen. I mean, we could do that, right? We're buds.  
**Private: **Yeah.  
**Skipper: **So you wanna be my wingman?

**Private: **I do. (_Skipper gives him a wistful look_) 

_At the party _  
**Fred: **Hey, Marlene, you look stunning. So introduce me to the lucky guy.  
**Marlene: **Fred, this is Roger. (_points to her right, to Roger, who in his effort to pull off straight overdid it and went to macho_)  
**Roger **(_in a gruff imitation of John Travolta's voice_): That's my name, so don't wear it out.  
**Rico **(_happening to pass by [btw he cleans up nicely, all in black, hair slicked back] whispers_): What's happening?

**Roger: **This hors d'oeuvre is like really weird, right?

**Fred: **Yeah, I guess it is weird, baby quiche. It's like a tiny egg pie. Great. Well, uh, I'm gonna go mingle. Have some hot tea with lemon for your throat.  
**Marlene: **Bye.  
**Roger: **Oh, my God. Marlene, Mar, Mar, we are so doing it. I'm gonna win a Tony this weekend.  
**Marlene: **Really? Your idea of playing straight is Danny Zuko from Grease?

**Roger: **You don't like it. It's not a problem. I've got plenty in the kitty. 

_Skipper and Private are scouting the room from the upper floor balcony, looking for possible "pray" _  
**Private: **I'm not seeing a very deep talent pool here. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Now this guy's got some… Braces. Ugh.  
**Skipper **(_spots a cute girl_)**: **Ooh. Hello. Target acquired.  
**Private: **All right, I'm on it. (_starts hurrying down, but on his way knocks off a big flower arrangement. He tries to put it back together_) Ooh! Jeez. Oh, God.  
**Melinda: **Can you please just leave it?

**Private: **Yeah.  
**Melinda **(_to her chat partner_): He's the wedding jinx. 

_Kowalski and Blowhole are at the buffet. _

**Blowhole: **Mm, these are good.  
**Kowalski: **Not as good as shrimp.  
**Blowhole: **Shrimp? I love shrimp. There's shrimp here?

**Kowalski: **No, no shrimp. Just like there wasn't any shrimp at our wedding. Remember? Because your cousin Eris was so allergic. But things could be different this time. Two words for you, shrimp fountain.  
**Blowhole: **Mm. Four words, I like shrimp fountain.  
**Kowalski: **Then you shall have one. (_they both laugh_) And I can get my cake because there's a local bakery that makes a ganache that'll make you cry. (_he sighs longingly then leaves all in a huff_)  
**Blowhole **(_turns to a little old man trying to get his food behind him_): That man is totally playing me. (_puts his arm around the old man_) Go on, scoop it up. 

_At the bar, Skipper and Private are chatting up the cute girl from earlier as wingmen. _  
**Skipper: **Oh, and did I tell you that it's actually called a head quarters. .  
**Cute Girl: **OMG. I don't know what quarters are, but do you keep heads in there or what?

**Skipper: **Give us a sec? (_they high-tail it out of there_) We need to keep looking.  
**Private: **I've never felt so smart.

_Marlene comes running towards them. _  
**Marlene: **Have you guys seen Roger?

**Skipper: **Oh, yeah, he mentioned something about meeting up with Kenickie to race the Scorpions.  
**Private: **That was good.  
**Skipper: **Thanks. (_Marlene is not amused_) 

_Later. On a podium, Cute Girl is speaking into a microphone. Apparently she is Melinda's made of honour and is holding a toast. _  
**Cute Girl: **Mel and I have been best friends since we were ten. I would do that again and again. (_Skipper and Private can barely contain their laughter_) And now I have two best friends. Love you, Melinda and Fredrick. Okay, would anyone from the groom's side like to say anything? (_Marlene's hand shoots in the air. By this point she is well on her way to being inebriated_)  
**Rico: **Oh, don't go. No. No, no, no. Don't, Marlene. Marlene. (_Marlene ignores him and makes her shaky way to the podium_)  
**Marlene: **I want to say something. I do. You're cute, but I'm cuter. Hey, everybody. My name is Marlene Potter.  
**Private: **Yup.  
**Marlene: **And I'm one of Fred's oldest friends. And how amazing is it that we both fell in love at the same time? You found Melinda and I… I found Roger.  
**Roger **(_from the back of the room where he's half wrapped around another guy_): Sing it, baby! Whoo! (_high kick_)  
**Rico: **Magical night.  
**Marlene: **So congratulations, Melinda and Fred. You have found each other, and now you will never have to pretend to be something that you're not. So let's raise our glasses- Going down. (_she falls face down off the podium_)  
**Rico: **Classic Fred.  
**Blowhole: **That's a nipple. 

_Kowalski and Private are making their way back to their rooms at the end of the night, a little worse for wear, top shirt buttons and bow ties/ties undone, hair a bit awry. _  
**Private: **Oh, rough night for Marlene.  
**Kowalski: **Oh, poor girl.  
**Private: **Ooh. Yeah.  
**Kowalski: **I'd invite you in, but Francis made a promise to our hotel room that I gotta help him keep.  
**Private: **That's all right. Go on. I'm fine on my own. (_Blowhole opens the door and with a devious laugh snatches Kowalski in_) Oh, boy. (_makes to enter his own room, but a thought passes through his mind. He summons the courage and goes to Skipper's door and knocks. Cute Girl answers all disheveled, covering herself in a sheet_)  
**Cute Girl: **Hello?

**Private: **Housekeeping?

**Cute Girl **(_sounding each word as if he's a moron_): Can you come back later? I'm about to have sex.  
**Private: **Yeah.  
**Cute Girl: **Gracias. 

_At the morning buffet_

**Private: **How'd the rest of your night go?

**Skipper: **Oh, didn't do much. Just went to bed.  
**Private: **Oh, yeah?

**Skipper: **Yep.  
**Skipper: **And that hot girl from last night was in that bed, and we had sex.  
**Private: **Busted.  
**Skipper: **Well, you know how I love great public speakers. And you, you were a fantastic wingman.  
**Private: **Thank you.  
**Skipper: **This me-and-you-friends thing is kinda nice.  
**Private: **Yeah, it is nice.  
**Skipper: **You know what else was nice? That girl was doing this thing…

**Private: **All right.(_leaves_)

**Skipper: **I'll tell Rico and Kowalski. 

_In Rico's room, Marlene in lying on a couch, suffering from a massive hangover, while Rico is going through the breakfast brought by room-service. _  
**Rico: **Then you grabbed the mic and did 15 minutes of stand-up about the difference between men and women.  
**Marlene: **At least I didn't bust out my Korean Grandma!  
**Rico: **Ol' Grandma Geisha? She came out.

_Kowalski comes in the room. _  
**Kowalski: **Hey, guys, did you get our paperless post invitation?

**Rico: **Oh, you mean to your weird re-wedding after Fred's real wedding? Yeah.  
**Kowalski: **Yeah. Just make sure you RSVP. So I can get an exact head count.  
**Rico: **There's only six of us.  
**Kowalski: **Yep. Just RSVP. Don't see what the big problem is. Okay? (_he leaves in a hurry_)

**Rico: **At least you only act crazy when you're drunk.  
**Marlene **(_glancing out the window_): Oh, my God. Fred is runaway grooming it.  
**Rico: **I wouldn't call that running away. He's kinda more sauntering. He's the sauntering-away groom.  
_Marlene runs down into the parking lot, where Fred is trying to discretely make a run for it. _

**Marlene: **Fred, where are you going?

**Fred: **Um, I was just trying to see if all the luggage fit in the car.  
**Marlene: **Oh, nice try.  
**Fred: **Yeah, but what you said last night really freaked me out. I am, I'm pretending to be someone l'm not. I'm not this guy. I'm Fred.  
**Marlene: **But you're not. You've got a job now and a car with a hatchback.  
**Fred: **Yeah, it's pretty sweet, huh? lt makes loading and unloading a breeze. But we both know that I'm just gonna end up screwing all this up. I'm gonna oversleep some morning where we have a really big meeting, or they're gonna send me out to get a party sub, and l'm just gonna come back with a python.  
**Marlene: **Why would you do that?

**Fred: **Because I'm Fred. I'm the type of guy who… Who gets mustard on his shirt when I'm not even eating mustard. I'm Fred. That's who I am.  
**Marlene: **Not anymore you're not. You are Frederick now. And you deserve an amazing girl like Melinda.  
**Fred: **Really?

**Marlene: **Yeah. Now let's go get you married. 

_At the wedding ceremony, Fred is waiting for his bride to come walking down the aisle. Rico is presiding over the ceremony. Private, in his unfortunate state of wedding jinx has been made to sit right at the back and Skipper has been generous enough to sit with him. Melinda finally appears, but doesn't even step into the church. She gets a worried look on her face, puts her hand to her breast then turns around and walks back from where she came. _  
**Skipper: **Ooh. That can't be good.  
**Private: **Oh, come on. Don't go, don't go.  
**Skipper: **This feels familiar.  
**Private: **I gotta go talk to Melinda.  
**Skipper: **No, you don't wanna do that.

**Private: **I have to.

**Skipper: **And he's doing it.  
**Rico **(_to Fred_): ln my experience, this is not gonna turn out well.  
**Fred: **Really?

**Rico: **Yeah.  
**Fred: **Should I go after her?

**Rico: **It doesn't matter.  
**Fred: **I'll stay.  
_In Melinda's dressing room_

**Private: **Melinda, look, don't do this. Okay, I know you're scared. You probably looked down the aisle and saw your whole future and it wasn't perfect, but that doesn't mean it can't be great. Okay, don't do what I did. Or you'll wind up pretending to be best friends with the guy who could've been the love of your life.  
**Melinda: **No, I wasn't running away. My bustier broke and my boobies were just all over the place.  
**Private: **Oh. Well, they look hot now. So I'm going to go. (_he turns around and sees that Skipper was there behind him_)  
**Skipper: **Hey. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.  
**Private: **Yeah, fine.  
**Skipper: **I'll go now. 

_The wedding is back on track and Rico is set to win his 20 dollar bet. There is not a dry eye in the house. _  
**Skipper: **Damn, man.  
**Blowhole: **That SOB.  
**Kowalski: **Lost 20 bucks but it's worth it.  
_Marlene is crying holding Roger's hand, who is crying holding his male friend from last night's hand. Skipper leans in to sneak a glance at Private's face, but the young man turns his head away. _

**Rico: **Fredrick, Melinda, I now pronounce you husband and wife. 

_At the after-party the bride and groom are sharing their dance together to the tune of Etta James' At Last. Private looks forlornly at the dance floor. _

**Skipper: **So, pretty intense convo between you and Melinda.  
**Private: **What? No. That? I was just… I was saying anything I could to get her to come back out to the wedding. I was this close to knocking her over the head and walking her out like Weekend At Bernie's style.  
**Skipper **(_he's been watching Private with a fond smile all throughout his explanation_): Right, totally. That's what I thought. Well, congrats on not being the wedding jinx anymore.  
**Private: **Thanks.  
**Skipper: **Wanna dance?

**Private **(_a little taken aback, but pleased_): Yeah. (_they head out to the dance floor_)  
_A little further off, Marlene is sitting watching the couples twirl on the dance floor. Rico comes over to her. _  
**Rico: **You okay?

**Marlene: **Yeah. I'm not… I'm not emotional about Fred. I'm emotional because of your ceremony. lt was genius to go Neruda after Sade after quotes from dead grandparents. You nailed it.  
**Rico: **Marlene, my job as a man of the cloth is to create a bridge between the congregation and the couple built on honesty and mutual respect. Now give me that money! (_she hands him the 20 bucks, but still has a watery look on her face_) What's wrong? You gonna make me talk about feelings? Fine. Blah, blah, blah, you're a great girl. Blah, blah, blah, you're gonna meet a great guy. Blah, blah, blah. Until then, you got me. Let's dance.  
**Marlene: **Aw. You're my gay-fty. My gay safety.  
**Rico: **I got it.  
**Marlene: **Okay. I wasn't sure. (_he leads her to the dance floor_)  
**Kowalski **(_dancing with Blowhole_): Francis, I thought about it, and I canceled the cake and shrimp fountain.  
**Blowhole: **You were so close to having a perfect wedding. Why'd you give it up?

**Kowalski: **The fact that you were willing to go along with me on this insane idea made me realize I don't need the perfect wedding. I have the perfect husband. 


End file.
